Okay, I know I have been away and missing in action for such a long time, and I have to apologize for that. Chai, I am so ashamed of myself right now; the same me that wrote a blog post about being consistent with your passion, see how I just vamoosed for almost a whole month. I guess that’s what makes us human, you never know when you will desperately need to take a break from Social Media and face some family runs. Well, without any further ado, let me get right into it.
One of the things I know a lot of women struggle with, is to get their husband to act the way they want. As a matter of fact, way before walking down the aisle many women already have it at the back of their minds that they are going to change and mold this man into who they want. Back then, I remember hearing some of my lady friends and acquaintances say things like “I will make him change when we get married, for now I just want to be his wife.” Or some would say “No man is perfect so when I get married to him, I will teach him how to be like this or like that.” The sad thing however is that many women who enter a marriage relationship with the intention of changing their husbands get the greatest shock of their lives; they discover that the man is so stubborn and there is no amount of nagging that would make him do what they are asking him to do, they now see an egoistic man who believes, and rightly so that, “he is the head of the home”, they see a man who “cannot be controlled by a woman”, in fact, even the gentleman in him somehow develops wings and flies out of the window, because he doesn’t want to be seen as a “weak man”. Now, it finally dawns on her that it is almost impossible to tame a fully grown man, so in her disappointment she gives up, but in her mind she still resents him for not doing certain things her way. Then little by little, this resentment wells up and becomes anger, causing a serious friction in their relationship. So how can we really change our husbands, or better still, is it possible to change your husband? The answer is yes and no, I’ll explain.
So if you have read my previous posts you already know my boyfriend (my husband actually), his name is Ben and we have known each other and have remained best friends since 2003, yeah that long. I don’t know if you all experienced this, but when Ben and I first got married, I got the shock of my life, I saw so many things I wanted to change. I’m not claiming to be better than anyone reading this, just spilling the truth; we were not one of those people who lived together and got to know each other in and out before marriage(By the way, we believe living together before marriage is wrong on many levels), in fact, we were miles apart from each other. So as naive as I was, I would tell my husband to “do this like this” or “do that like this”, very few times he would do it just for peace to reign, but then I realized that this method wasn’t doing much, he still did things the way he wanted them done; did the dishes when he wanted to, not when I thought he should, he still called family when he wanted to and not when I wanted him to, and this went on and on, he even told me one time that I was a control freak,hahahahaaa. I was like okay, I know I am but hmmmm. That’s it I was speechless.
I remember one time I was really bothering Ben to do something, and I would ring it in his ears every now and then, but when I saw he wasn’t budging, I knew it was time to try something that would really work, so in my quiet time as I was speaking to God, I suddenly remembered the verse of the Bible that says that “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man;and the head of Christ is God.”1 Corinthians 11:3. When I remembered that verse in prayer that day, I realized that I had been getting it all wrong, I had been usurping authority!!! How can I expect him to do what I say, exactly how I say it, and when I say it, how? It’s not possible, men have egos, they would not be at the beck and call of their wives. They will love, care for, and respect you as their wives, but many of them loathe being ordered or told what to do by their wives. One thing I know is that our God is very orderly, He doesn’t like disorder, be it in the place of worship or in the home. We are told again in the word of God that Jesus Himself was God in human form, but He never considered Himself equal with God, but was obedient to Him. (paraphrased). We also see in many verses where he kept saying, “He takes orders from God the Father. So if Jesus takes orders from the Father, the Holy Spirit takes secrets from Jesus and reveals them to us, then it only makes sense that the man whose head is Christ, takes orders from Him, and not from you. And please do not get me wrong, I know that God has used women to bless their husbands in many ways, but I’m pretty sure such women don’t go about commanding, ordering , and demanding what they want and what must be done, that won’t work. There is something called Godly counsel, and a woman can totally give her better half Godly counsel, but she must do it in a loving and respectful way, not demanding or forcing it on him, but lovingly and prayerfully. I notice that all the times in the Bible when a man was controlled or coerced into making a decision by his wife without using his own mind and thinking it through prayerfully, the end result was chaos; Let’s start with Adam, our first father, he knew what God’s command was, but he joined his wife in eating the forbidden fruit, we see the case of Abraham, he knew and had faith that God’s word will be fulfilled, but when Sarah became upset and gave her slave girl to him, his quick acceptance led him into making a very bad decision, we see the case of Delilah and Samson, Jezebel and Ahab. And again, I hope you understand that I am not condemning everything you tell your husband to do, I only wonder whether many of us are doing it from the right place, and in the right way. So if you have been trying to change your husband in any area at all without success, you might want to take these steps next time.
- Motives: What are your motives for changing him? Is it for his good, your good, or the good of both of you and your children? It has to be for the good of the whole family.
- Is it the right time: Is it the right time for him to make that decision? Is it a convenient time for him?
- Manner of telling: I tell you, some wives know how to piss their husbands off in this area, and I have been guilty in this too; they just nag, welcome him with the complaint, or tell him while he’s trying to get something down his stomach.
- Prayer: Sometimes it seems like we can pray for certain things, but not other things. We can absolutely pray for every and anything. So have you prayed about it? Do you have peace about it? I remember when I was to leave Nigeria and join Ben in Mexico, it was the hardest decision of my life, I prayed and fasted and even prayed that he would be the one to relocate back to Nigeria; I would go on job sites and send him a job opening, and I would be like “If you know anyone here who is looking for a job, please send them the post.” I did this several times just to get him to consider relocating back to Nigeria, and when it didn’t work, I knew it was time for me to move, and there is no way I would have known for sure if not for prayers. So prayer is so important, no disputes about it, in prayer you will get all the directives needed.
How did I pray to change my husband and make? I simply said this word of prayer, I spoke directly to our Lord, and told Him, I said:
“Dear Lord, I know this is what he should be doing, but he is not listening to me, your word says here that you are the Head of every man, so just as he is my head and I obey him, I know he will obey you when you talk to him because you are his Head, thank you Jesus for answering me. Amen”
It was a very simple and short prayer, I forgot I even prayed like that. Fast forward to like 3 weeks later, my husband who was all stubborn when I had this conversation with him, suddenly started doing what I wanted him to do. It even took me a minute before I realized that my prayer had been answered. I believe with all my heart that this is the secret to having our husbands change the way we want them to.
If you made it this far, leave your comments below, let me know what you think. Did you take away anything from the post? Would you like to add anything you have learned from experience?
I hope you all have a relaxing and blessed weekend.